This is not for you.

September 11, 2008

And with reading those words, the nightmares began.

I jolted awake with a fast exhale of breath. My eyes flew open.

Without turning my head, my eyes move around as I try to take in everything I can about the room. My mind frantically trying to sort and answer the questions rushing through my head. Where am I? What am I doing here?

Why is the light on…again?

Did I fall asleep with my light last night? I did that the night before, as well, I thought to myself. This is getting worse.

What is getting worse? And why does my body ache? Why am I aching all over? Why does my head hurt and why do I have a heart ache?

I’m not sure what has been happening the past few days. I have been digging deeper into House of Leaves…just as Holloway’s team exploring the darkness, the farther I get into it, the bigger and deeper and more complex my own labyrinth becomes. I find myself unable to sleep, even though I am exhausted. Unable to eat, even though my stomach growls for nourishment. When I am not reading, I am staring into emptiness. My mind is numb to feeling and void of thought. The future holds no hope. Only darkness.

I wish I could say what this is from. A psychological phenomenon perhaps? My mind playing tricks on me, dealing with recent events such as the path away from Honey? Or no, this feeling I have had is causing my apathy concerning myself and the future. Why can’t I sleep with the light off? Why does my closet door must remain tightly closed? I fear by the time I find these answers, the questions will have become meaningless.

I think we all face our own House of Leaves in our own individual lives. Our own mind forming an endless, ever-changing labyrinth that nobody else will ever see.

*sigh* I am going to continue reading. I have to know what will happen. Maybe soon I can turn my light out again.

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Muss es sein?

September 9, 2008

Must it be?  Sadly, or happily, (what is the real difference between those words anyway, besides perspective?) those words do ring true.  

I am glad to report that things are moving full steam ahead.  On a side note, Honey and I have decided to explore seperate paths.  “Let’s split up gang!”  Its always easier to find clues and the monster when there are two parties going in different directions.  Though, in Scooby Doo, they always meet back up, usually in some huge crash as Shaggy and Scooby are getting chased.  I have a feeling that is in the bottom of my stomach that we might not end up crashing in to each other some day.  But, thats how life is, isn’t it?

 My goals and objectives have slightly shifted, however, they still remain intact.  I am looking forward to Southeast Asia with a renewed vigor now…a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I feel that I can finally focus and channel my resources towards achieving something…anything.  The weeks are moving fast andthe days are becoming shorter.  October calls and I am ready to answer.

I went bowling with Nate for the first time in at least five years last night.  I didn’t do too badly, average around 155 or so.  There was a pretty cute girl in the lane next to us…I learned a few things in our casual chatter…most importantly that she didn’t hold a candle to Honey.  With a sigh I watched as she walked away and I turned my attention back towards our lane.  This will be my life for quite some time, I suspect.

On another note, I have just started reading House of Leaves. I need to say how amazing this book is. I will give an update a little further in, as I’m only about 150 pages in…however, I have noticed some changes with me the past few days and I don’t believe its related to other things in my life. I highly suggest anyone interested in Post-modern work to pick this up…